Where do I begin, it has been close to a year since my last entry and as my fingers type, a sense of joy seems to flow across my heart. Not because Live Journal is a great website, but because I am finally starting to gain balance in this life that I call blessed. Blessed for not only the incredible family and friends that surround me, but blessed because of the sheer opportunities that have been placed in my life.

In looking back over the past 5 years of my life, opportunities have flown into my life as fast as a man must run when caught eating a piece of pie that was meant for Thanksgiving Desert. It started my freshman year of college with the great opportunity of being a part of the Southern California Entrepreneurship Academy. An academy that is meant for seniors and graduate students. I met some great and interesting people through this three month period, but what it started stirred in me for the next four years of my life and remains with me today.

The passion for greatness, the passion for entrepreneurship, the passion for character, the passion for change, the passion for integrity, the passion for influence, the passion for knowledge.

These have been a blessing and a curse. A blessing in that these desires are now ingrained in who I am, but a curse as they control me like the earth controls its winds. I feel like my desires for these areas are snuffed by a droplet of complacency that has haunted me since a young age. Anyone will attest that I am hard working individual, but in my opinion there is much that I need to learn from working hard and much I need to learn to work efficiently. Complacency is a funny thing, you can be working as hard as a dog, but be complacent in the level of commitment that you give to that effort. In my mind, excellence must be pursued, otherwise why are we trying to work. Lets put it this way,

Not Finished yet

It has been quite a while since I wrote last. Probably about two months. Over the past months I have started working at TOMS a socially driven shoe company. It has been incredible and I have truly learned an incredible amount about life, business, and people.

This past weekend I went backpacking with two incredible individuals, Micah Black & Scott LeDuc. It was an incredible experience that tried me physically and mentally. It is amazing how different people deal with situations that test their character.

I had an epiphany on this trip. I realized that I have been using so many cop outs my entire life to excuse myself from greatness. I need to grasp the reality that God made me to do great things in this world and the only way to allow this greatness to unfold is by taking leaps of faith and risks that could destroy me or build me. When it comes down to it I need to simply....act. Act on my passions, act on my faith, act on my love, act on my dreams, act on my life.

I have realized recently that I have had a crush on a dear friend for quite sometime. I have always pushed my feelings away because I feared it would destroy our friendship, I feared that this was a bad thing. But there is nothing wrong with it at all, and in fact it is something that is truly beautiful. To care for someone on an emotionally intimate level, can't be seen as a negative thing. Why do we so often look at these situations in a dark light. Is it fear that creates this darkness. Fear: √√∫˜©∂Ωß∂†˙˜∫. What is it? "What is fear. If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself, but to your estimate of it; and this you have the power to revoke at any moment" Do we let something that we estimate, control our lives. We let something that has not happened control our lives. We allow an intangible feeling block our dreams, our passions, and the women we love and care for. How do we rid ourselves of fear then at that moment. I know it is possible, and wish to solve this situation. I will....

Where do I begin. So much has happened since I last wrote not to mention in the last week. Lets start there. This past week I began negotiations into what business people term "partnership agreements." The most difficult aspect of this was the fact that I was going into them with friends.

Two friends that I hold very dear to my heart. Whether they know it or not, what we have built in the past semester is more then I have had with many people. Throughout the negotiations things got... well... a little hairy, I guess you could say. In going into the negotiation I spoke to many people whose opinions I highly respect. Many were saying don't give up a large portion of equity and just hire people on, but my heart was telling me differently. My heart was speaking to me saying crazy stuff like, "I want chocolate" and "I want a bannana"...maybe that is a metaphor for something and if so I can't figure it out. But what my heart was truly telling me was that these two people that I highly valued would not only be an incredible attribute into making this company happen, but so much fun to work with and an exciting opportunity to grow on a deeper level in our relationship.

For three days I struggled with trying to figure this out. I stressed more then I had ever before to the point of my stomach beginning to hurt and my body becoming weak with motivation and life. I am very driven by what my gut tells me and how my heart guides me. These are two important aspects of how I live my life. In this situation though my heart and my mind and outside environment are being pulled in two different directions. I ultimatley made a choice and I know at some point in the near future I will know if it was the right or wrong choice to make.

At what point does your heart become blind. I know people say that love is blind, but what about a gut feeling. Does this hold the same merit. Can a direction in which you should feel you should go actually be going in the wrong direction? I have no idea, but I do know to accomplish anything in life you must take risks and make choices and face the consequences that those risks and choices create.

But what it ultimatley came down to was not a choice, but a mere sentence. A sentence that shed light into the way I potentially live my life elsewhere. Am I doing business for the sake of money or for something more, and is wanting to do it for the sake of money, necessarily a bad thing. Have I been telling myself something for so long that I actually believe it?

One of my friends that I hold in high respect tonight told me that he no longer respects me because of some words I said.....I have never been truly hurt before, until now. I know what it means to let down, dissapoint, hurt someone I truly care about. And my actions because of it were the reasoning it happened. I lost his respect...it really hurts, really hurts. To know that, not necessarily, someone I respect no longer has resect for me, but that I hurt him...it hurts.

BUT its really good for him to tell me that. It allows me to take a step back in my life and examine areas that have never been challanged before. Am I really addicted to making money and is that a bad thing. Is it something that is ingrained within me and something I have tried to reject and because of it I have made execuses not to do things. Or is it something I should accept, but make sure I put things in my life to curb the destruction it can cause.

Also is my leadership in groups in teams going to suffer because I need a leadership role. Why do I have to take the success and why do I long for the feeling of why the team succeeded was because I pulled it along. Instead I need not have to always search or a assume a leadership role right out of the gate, but encourage and use the team as one to push and succeed at whatever WE as the team do. AND NOT as what I and the team does. Remember there is no "I" in team, but as many people don't hesitate to point out there is a "ME." Those people are wrong because you can't spell me backwards as you can see the e and the m in team are not in the right order for it to be spelled me. Unless you're dislexic of course.

I need to realize that a team for me is very important and I will never be able to be a one man show. This is necessary for me to succeed in life, ABSOLUTELY necessary. In addition I really need to begin to live what I speak, and nothing less then that. If I can't begin to do that I will never accomplish anything, but eventually be a 50 year old man who keeps looking at myself as having alot of potential in life and has some incredible ideas, but never does anything about them. WAKE UP your potential is nothing without action and aligment. WAKE...UP DAMN IT.

How does my character come into play, does it suffer at this expense or will it become strengthened. Only time will tell. I can only pray that the Lord begins to change me to realize that I don't need to have a drastically life chaning experience, to change, but create the change and embrace what I am. Don't settle for my weaknesses, but don't deny them. If I am trying to talk myself out of my weaknesses how will I know what to fix if I never admit to having those problems. And how will I fix something by ignoring that it exists rather then taking action to correct them. So God please change my heart and give me the strenth to conquor and make positive what my heart longs for which is: to live a comfortable life, be very wealthy, have an incredible family, have the status that that money may bring, use business to change the world, help those who have never been given the opportunity to achieve their dreams, use the power given to me to affect the world in a positive way, change nations and not just individuals for the better, and create an environment that people will grow and continue to implement these changes long after I am gone.

Thats alot to work on and I only pray and will ACT on it to make them happen.

Where do I begin. I honestly have no idea. I feel like so often women play with our minds, (men you know what I be talkin bout). I feel so often like I am trapped in this invisible labrynth that I can't escape. You meet the most incredible woman that almost paralyzes your manliness. It is a truly beautiful thing this thing we call love. I can be honest in saying I have never been in love and I can only pray that one day my heart will belong to another. Until then I feel like I am constantly trying to taste a piece of the pie that my friends have indulged themselves with. They talk about the complexities that love has caused in their lives. They say, when you are experiencing love you feel motionless in a world of destruction. Nothing can affect you. But when you lose that love it literally hurts the heart that beats within us. Love could be judged as the biggest paradox of this world. I am sure many would agree and can hold their lives as evidence to its paradoxical nature. When I look at love and the pain that follows I can't see anything negative about it. I think Samuel Butler had it right when he said "It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." But many of my friends would argue saying "Ever has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation." Kahlil Gibran. I like that quote.

We so often don't realize the power of love and to know this most deepest form of Ethos and Agape gives us a view of how the Lord loves us. To imagine that we have experienced, potentially, some of the love that our Father has for us, is something that I will never be able to look at in a poor way. These people now know what it feels like for the Lord to see his most beautiful creation stray from him for eternity. To have experienced that love is powerful and I pray that it will grace my presence at some point in my life.

Its funny that I started this journal by talking about women and it led me to talk about love. I wonder why this is? It might be a testament to the complexities of a relationship with the opposite sex, or, potentially, the brilliance of --all-- of our heart's ULTIMATE desire.... to be loved...

Irony... A curious and interesting word indeed. So much depth and so confusing. A man once told me that Irony is kinda like iron how something so dull and hard can be so shiny and precious...If that is confusing to you it is certainly confusing to me.

How does Irony play into my life here at LMU. LMU a wonderful school with great professors, great people, and great potential. However when St. Patty's day comes around all of that greatness and potential go out the window when something known as cerveza, bière, Bier, birra, ビール, øl and put simply BEER, is introduced into a place we call our stomachs. Yes the ironies of a world with beer, not to mention in a world of college. You know the day is going to turn strange when the water that you have always known as a deep magenta blue turns green and the only red head in your class begins to dance the Irish Jig.

My day started with a baseball game. This past week I began to coach a Babe Ruth baseball league team with a few fellow LMU students. Pre-game I was getting the kids warmed up when the other coaches arrived. The head coach and one of the assitant coaches were drunk. All of the players began asking me questions on the sanity and sobriety of the coaches. My response: "NO COMMENT."
The game began and sure enough our guys were doing great. and then.

IRONY: When two drunk coaches lecture three 8th & 9th graders on putting forth their entire effort into practice and taking the game that they play seriously.

I might be wrong, but aren't coaches supposed to be role models.... Oh well.

Continuing...

The day continued as I drove to see my account, who thank God was possibly the only person that day who wasn't drunk. The meeting went well.... OK

When I arrived back to school the concert had already begun and Common, the gangsta rappa from Chi Town was on stage. When I first arrived the words that were coming out of his mouth were about religion and the world we live in. It was very appropriate for the crowd and a great message to share. What came next and followed the course of the rest of the night was nothing short of ironic.

IRONY: When a concert that takes place in front of a Church involves multiple fights, a rapper dry humping a student on stage, and a drunken orgie fest.... Can it get much more Ironic then this.

I hope not. As I always try to end my posts with a positive message in this instance I feel it will be best put through the words of two men:

"Jesus wept; Voltaire smiled. From that divine tear and from that human smile is derived the grace of present civilization." --Victor Hugo

"Sentimental irony is a dog that bays at the moon while pissing on graves." --Karl Kraus

So yesterday I went in for a job interview. It was certainly an interesting experience.

When I woke yesterday morning I had the feeling a bowl of cereal must have. Cold and floating on clouds. I was unsure what the day would hold, but I soon realized that I had less then 30 minutes to get ready for one of my first official job interviews. After showering the night before I decided not to take a shower, but make sure my face was as supple as a baby's bottom. The day before I found out my friend had the same job interview so it worked out perfectly we could drive together and save on the gas. I had a pit at the bottom of my stomach though dreading the test we had to take before anything could begin. If either of us failed the test we would be stranded for hours waiting for the other to finish. I shook it off stepped in the car and got ready for action.

As we drove down the road we were blasting the Sufjan. As we floated down the empty streets we felt motionless in a world of our own. Then of course we came back to reality when we hit the freeway. Thousands of cars, bumper to bumper, looking like a sea of red. As we edged our way onto the freeway we knew that whether we got the job or not we had to figure out how to get away from this place they called the "City of Angels," and its ironic cause all I saw was red and anger in the fellow drivers.

When we arrived finally at our destination I could have sworn between the stress and frustration I was an older man. Not only in age, but I had a new found respect for time and I was excited to be in an environment where time was not wasted. Again, my hopes for time saved went down the drain when we had to wait about 30 minutes to step into a room that made hell look like a beautiful day. As they lead us into the testing room I was confidant that my Algebra from 9th grade would sustain my skills. As I approached the computer and went through the first question I caught a glimpse of my cocky eyes from the computer's reflection. As I flew through the test,BOOOM, the gauntlet had fallen and I had two questions left to answer. From this point I began to take the personality test which felt like light years in comparison to the math portion. As I stood up from my computer I felt pretty confidant that I would be speaking with one of the proud workers of Ameriprise shortly.

When I came out of the room my friend was sitting down asking the four simple words that I couldnt wait to answer. "How did it go." Great, wonderful, amazing, beautifully. Are there any other words that could be more contradictary to what happened next. The woman in charge of us called my name out and told me that I had failed the test and would not be able to take part in the rest of the interview process. Ouchhhh... That hurt. Not the fact that I didn't get the job, but that I failed a test that was based upon my personality and worst 9th grade math skills. Not to mention I was now stranded, being the only one out of 15 who had failed the test.

What this has proven to me is that some of the greatest days can turn into some of the worst, but throughout all of it learn, move forward, and continue to pursue and conquour your dreams. In addition I realized there is much more for me to learn in this life and that a day of Sufjan, traffic, and heartbreak in a job interview is inveitable in this world we call home. If anything else, next time I have to take a test I will make sure to drive and next time I have an interview I will make sure to shower.

In trying to improve my writing skills  I have chosen to start this priceless journal.  Words of wisdom from a 22 year old.  When asking my cousin how to improve my writing skills he told me to write about one of my deepest passions in intricate detail.  In realizing that years down the road I may come back to this journal to see my thoughts I have chosen to start with this.

My passions arent constrained to mere days.  They don't rest when I am awake or when I dream.  Every night I fall asleep I not only dream about them, but come up with real world examples on how I can begin to implment them.  Knowing that ideas are nothing without action, I constantly strive to transform my words and ideas into a tangible reality.  The past few years of my life I have grown in tremendous ways and I can only imagine where my heart will take me in the near future.  I only pray that as I gain a furthur understanding of who I am, what I am supposed to do with my life, and the man God wants me to be that my Character not only sustains my breath, but shapes my voice. 

So often I fear that I am not living up to my potential.  So often I see others around me with a tenth of the opportunity that I have been given and are striving harder then I could ever possibly strive.  Why is it that I can't grasp and pursue my opportunities in the same manner as an abandon child who yearns for the love of a parent or a broken man who wishes he never experienced love.  I know that Lord has blessed me in incredible ways and I am meant to do something in this world.  An impact in the world can be changing the life of a child who will never see a car or changing the lives of thousands who will never sleep in a bed.  Who am I supposed to impact, who am I supposed to change?  I can't help, but feel that my life is not meant to be confined to a small village, but a country of millions.  The problem that remains is how do I begin to embrace this dream?  How do I begin to act instead of spew mere words. 

I realize that I am not as driven as I could, but I must push past the desert that I stand in and work harder then is phsically possibly to follow my dreams. Am I capable of this, will my body allow my heart to breath.  As I am trying to pursue these dreams of a changed world in business I realize that I may never be at peace in this world?  I may never make it home? Is this the life that I want to live?  I know deep down that if I don't take advantage of the opportunities that I have been blessed with my heart will never sleep, and if I pursue the dreams that I dream then my body will never rest.  I only pray that God can give me the drive, peace of mind, and Character to use my opportunities for Him and in a manner that is successful in the eyes of my heart. What is success to me?  How do I measure it?  Is it something that I should be able to quantify or should it be left to the mere feeling and knowledge of my heart.  

When the Lord looks down upon me in my life that I have lived I can only hope that he smiles to see his child has loved more then feared and live more then life.